i am some place between recovery and full on relapse.
i can't decide which i want.
all i know is i need to start living or might just off myself. i am so bored. i am so tired of pleasing these people i don't care about. i am only here for my sister. i could never do that to her. my biggest worry nowadays is something will happen to her. and i'll go crazy.
i really wish this disorder didn't turn me into a selfish brat. i am so screwed. i know i don't want this i want to grow old. i want to get married. have kids. but i can't stop. 
purging makes me happy. i feel best about myself if i can purge once a day. yes its disgusting and filthy. its wasteful and its taking the easy way out. yes it makes my chin breakout and my teeth discolored. it ruins my nails and makes my calves hurt and legs weak.
but i need it. or at least i've convinced myself i do. that i need to eat less or puke.
sometimes i think the only way i will ever fully recover from bulimia is to become a starver.
i wish i could update more and ramble less.
hey, i'm a new follower .. and i can totally understand you .. i don't know why, but i found so many girls here who feel the same way i do .. it's really good to know, that i'm not alone. will keep reading your posts, all the best xx <3
ReplyDeletehope u feel better soon stay strong xxx
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